Broken Man
by Cha-Cha-Cheesecake
Summary: "You all did so well," I cried, running my right hand through my hair, raking straying locks in a horror-filled bluster. I had never cried so hard before. "You all did so bleedin' well I could kiss you…" Mini-Sequel to The Doomsday Code. Oneshot.


**A/N: Hey people! This is my first ever fanfic for TimeRiders. I've become hooked after only reading the third book (hence, why this oneshot's lacking references to previous books). All I got for reference was any information from the third book and the website. So sue me!**

**Liam is my favourite character. He's so… loveable. I can't get over him *dances*. So, anyway. I hope I captured the writing style okay… I tried really hard. ^^**

**Broken Man**

Liam O'Connor. That's my name, so it is. Born in 1896, worked on the Titanic at 16 years old, until the world cascaded around me as a torrent of flailing arms and screaming people, as the ship sank in 1912.

I guess I should've died that day. But I didn't - because Foster rescued me. Took my hand and whisked me away from the pain and suffering everyone else had endured.

Now that I think about it, most of the time since then I've sort of been mad at myself - I wasn't a guest on that ship who was supposed to be enjoying a lovely holiday. I was a worker, and the fact that I made it out alive while so many of the guests died… I can't stop the thoughts from crowding my head and blocking out everything else, sometimes.

It always seems to be like that… I seem to escape whereas innocent people die. It was like that in 1194, so it was - the proud Sheriff of Nottingham, I was, brandishing a sword before dozens of people, fighting to the finish in a sea of bodies falling around me like an epidemic spread. It was a hard time… I was fearing for my life for a good part of it.

I suppose ever since I went to 1194, it changed me. All of a sudden, it wasn't about Liam O'Connor on a mission to find the Holy Grail, it was about Nottingham, being the sheriff and bringing peace to a county that had lost hope. Swinging a sword this way and that, I did, just so I didn't get my head knocked off my shoulders. Wounding men, fighting my way into victory all for them. Staring into the cornflower eyes of a man I had killed.

Maddy called it growing up too fast. I called it monstrosity.

It was in those few days I'd returned back that she and Sal fussed round me like bleedin' rats on a crumb of bread; making me tea, not caring that I was slouching around - like a "lazy shadd-yah", as Sal would've said - and trimming my hair for me, until I got so frustrated I ended up cutting it all short anyway, just so they'd stop flitting around, so I did.

It still didn't stop my downward spiral into depression, though - every night I had dreams about that man; his wild eyes as he'd stared in shock, hardly daring to believe a mere lad like me could have put an abrupt end to his life, the way he was about to mine.

I grew more distant from the others… Not wanting them to ever know the kind of things I'd faced back in the battle, the way I'd brazenly killed a man in one of the most ruthless of ways.

_If they knew, they'd hate me, for sure._

That was the one thought that flitted through my mind every day.

They wouldn't believe it for a second, for one thing; I'm not exactly known for being all that violent - Maddy and Sal sometimes even say if they didn't know any better I was just a bitter old man. But then again, if they asked Bob and Becks to tell them all I had said and done back there, they probably could; that would lead to an entirely different problem.

They'd be disgusted. They'd despise me. Liam O'Connor, the guy who killed someone and then watched as their neck bled profusely, stared into the man's eyes, regret and shame tearing through his body like a wildfire.

_I'm so sorry, _I'd mouthed at that warrior as he lay on the floor, limp. I hoped somewhere, if his spirit could hear me, I'd be forgiven, that he'd see I'd made a mistake, as any young soldier would.

If Maddy and Sal knew that side of me… well, to be honest, I don't think I'd be able to face them again.

I was a broken mess when I got back, so I was, even if the others never saw. Once a broken man, always a broken man, so me dad always said.

As I had flopped down on my bunk a new devastation had hit me, making my face crease up and tears spring to my eyes. I had watched so many people die that day. Even though I didn't want to pity myself, it was still all so much to take in. It was different from the Titanic. This time, the reason people were dying were because of a rebellion _I _was leading. On _my_ orders, they were killing people. People in the wrong, so they were, but still people nonetheless that deserved the rights to live. I had clutched a fistful of my shirt around my chest area, gasping sobs escaping the same lips that had only been smiling at the relieved faces of Maddy and Sal a few hours earlier.

"_You all did so well," I cried, running my right hand through my hair, raking straying locks in a horror-filled bluster. I had never cried so hard before. "You all did so bleedin' well I could kiss you…"_

I knew I had to stop crying soon, though - I had gone to bed early, insisting that I was absolutely exhausted, but the time had passed and Maddy and Sal would be coming in any second, checking if I was asleep, even poking my cheeks and tickling my chin to make sure I was in an REM kind of sleep.

A sweet gesture, if I may say, trying not to disturb my sleeping patterns by making sure I was actually asleep first, although I suppose if I really was sleeping their "check-beforehand" tricks would only wake me up, causing an irritated Liam O'Connor to snap at them like a lion being disturbed from a peaceful slumber.

I know Maddy and Sal genuinely care about me, which only makes me more upset that I can't share all my amazing experiences with them as the Sheriff of Nottingham - but I can't. I know if I even began to tell them about some of the battles, their wide-eyed shock and fearful faces would be enough to make me regret what I was saying.

That seems to be the problem. I'm too full of regret nowadays; I probably ought to blame the mind-scarring experience of trading blood with countless soldiers for that, though. I regret the smallest of things - whether it's forgetting to change into a fresh pair of socks, or whether I knock Sal while she's making a drink and she spills it and kicks up a fuss - which has only made Maddy even more anxious over me.

I don't want her to keep an eye on me, though - I really don't need her worrying about me when we're supposed to be gathering information on past occurrences. It's our duty as TimeRiders… I don't want her to get side-tracked making sure I'm eating properly or not waking up in a cold sweat every night.

I told her this one day, so I did, although I sure as hell regretted it afterwards. It might have been the verge of a breakdown, but that day I was jumpy, nervous. Startled when Sal dropped her spoon on the table, shivering when Becks brushed up against my shoulder. In fact, just about everything made me twitchy and shaky.

"_What the hell is up, huh?" Maddy demanded. I took a deep breath._

_"Nothing," I replied, sitting down with a bowl of cereal._

"_Then why are you jumping half a mile at every little thing?" Maddy took a deep breath and closed her eyes. When she opened them again she seemed a whole lot more concerned. "Please, talk to us. Are you… are you scared?" I frowned. "_Please_, Liam, just tell us. Ever since you came back you've been acting strange…"_

"Nothing's_ wrong, Maddy. And I haven't. I've been acting just the same as always, I'm tellin' ya," I said, scooping up some cereal with my spoon._

"_Negative. Liam O'Connor's heart race is at a higher parameter then before he travelled to 1194." I groaned inwardly. Trust Becks to cut in with _that_ kind of information._

"_See? You're nervous!" Maddy was fretting again, so she was. "My god… _Liam_… I'm really worried about you…"_

_"I'm fine," I said firmly. "I'm not an infant. You can stop treating me like one, as you gained my trust a while ago. Do as you will, Maddy." She shook her head vigorously._

"_I don't want to ignore the fact that you've been acting put out since you got home, Liam! I'm _scared_! I'm scared that you're unstable now that you got back…!"_

_I clenched my fists."Can't you just turn the blind eye for once in your bleedin' _life_, Maddy?" I snapped. "I can't help that me, Bob and Becks all faced hell out there on that battlefield, but it happened, okay? I was careless, seen things I shouldn't have… But it's none of your bleedin' business to go around _mothering_ me! So just keep your bellyaching to yourself from now on, yeah?"_

_Maddy stared at me, completely stunned. Sal watched the two of us, mouth hanging open, while Bob and Becks observed without saying a word. After a painful silence she sighed heavily and sat back._

"…_You're right, Liam… I'm sorry if I've been breathing down your neck too much, but… Well, can you blame me? I'm older then the both of you, so naturally I feel responsible for any trauma you guys have weighing you down. Plus, you're my friend. I don't want to see you jumpy and skittish… it hurts, you know?"_

"_And I'm sorry that I snapped at you," I blurted. I ran my fingers through my hair, feeling my face turning red. "It's just… I'm complicated, you know? I-I don't really like… people treating me, like… like a kid. Y-You know what I mean?"_

"…_Yeah." Maddy smiled softly and reached over to squeeze my hand. I tensed up at her touch, but relaxed as she rubbed her thumb over my hand, gently caressing it. I felt fresh tears well up in my throat._

_She smiled softly, reassuringly. I swallowed my tears, hoping Sal didn't notice - knowing her she'd be teasing me about "wrecked manly pride" later anyway, so me crying wouldn't exactly help._

"_Wow. You guys really are a cute coupling," Sal remarked. I choked on nothing._

"_I'm sorry, _what_? Did you say…?" She shrugged, her eyes holding a teasing stare._

"_I wonder."_

Once that day had passed, I tried different tactics, so I did, to take my mind off the emotional scars that were ebbing away at my life; busying myself by taking care of every little job that needed taking care of; making a hobby out of something I hadn't tried before, like learning how to text, although I quickly gave up on that; talking to Sal about anything and everything; even teaching Becks and Bob how to pick up on humour.

But I still knew under this new mask I was making for myself the fear was clinging to me like wet clothes, and I couldn't shake it off. Every passing moment I felt the stare of a thousand dead men fall on me, glaring at me, as if to say, _it's your fault we're dead. It's all your fault, Liam O'Connor._

I even began wondering what would've happened if Foster hadn't picked me up that fateful day the ship went down; would I have died, or would I have been one of the few who made it out alive and sold my tales of woe to the world, only to have them make some kind of movie out of it, turning one of the most devastating nights of my life into some kind of romantic Hollywood film?

Sometimes I wondered what life would've been like without meeting Maddy, Sal, Bob and Becks; how different it would've been. Or how it would feel to die.

Occasionally, I even thought that by saving me, Foster had messed my time up completely.

_I should've died. Whisking me away from drowning in those frozen waters, Foster basically screwed up my life pattern._

In some ways that was probably a way of my unconscious desires telling me to stop beating myself up about it all. In others it was only hurting me more; my living is a mistake, an error, so to speak.

"Hey, Liam." I looked up. Sal was sat opposite me, disrupting my thoughts with her intent stare and curious greeting. I noticed her presence for the first time since I'd sat out on the balcony and nodded towards her.

"Hello, Sal." I looked at my watch. 6:40 AM. I smiled gently. "What are you doing up so early?" She pulled a face.

"Well, there isn't exactly much to do, you know? I mean, I can't get back to sleep and all, but I'm not really hungry so there's no point in eating breakfast… What else is there to do?"

"I guess you're right. I don't suppose there is much to occupy ourselves with around here." I sighed. Sal crossed her skinny arms over her chest and peered at me curiously.

"Liam… I know you've probably guessed that Maddy's warned me not to press further then she's tried, but… Well, what happened back then?" I tensed up. Knowing Maddy, she'd probably had a sharp word with Sal to make sure nothing like that happened… But when Sal was intrigued, she was intrigued, so she was.

"What do you mean?" I asked tiredly. "We've been back in time a lot. Which 'back then' are we talking about here?"

"You know what I mean. Nottingham. The Holy Grail. That kind of stuff. Jahullah, I didn't think I'd have to be that specific." I cracked a small smile. Sal was making out that I'd have to be a moron not to realise what she was talking about.

I suppose I was, in a sense. But I'd been so out of it lately not everything made sense to me anymore.

"…Sal…" I struggled to come up with words. "…I…" She pulled a face.

"I get it. You guys still don't trust me." She frowned and hunched up, hugging her knees. "You and Maddy are always keeping secrets. I know I shouldn't be so upfront with that cause you guys think that I'm just being bratty. But I can't help it. I can't help it that I'm younger then you guys, and because I am… you guys don't trust me as well as you do each other."

I frowned. "Sal…" I shivered. "Look, Sal…" I couldn't muster up enough courage to say a word. I shook my head, screwing up my face. She leaned towards me.

"Liam?" She said softly, eyes full of concern. "…What is it?"

"I… I…" I clenched my fists. "I… I can't say anything…""Oh." She looked disappointed. "Why not?"

"…I can't come up with any words… I can't say any of my experiences out loud… It's impossible." I grabbed a fist of my hair, frustrated. "…I'm so sorry, Sal…"

"Shut up. If you can't say anything, you can't say anything. Don't beat yourself up about it." She looked up at me sharply. "I guess I'll just go and ask Bob and Becks about it. They should be able to describe the events of 1194 with me. Down to the very last detail." She flashed me a sly grin. "Including everything you said and did. Even the most humiliating of things."

I stood up as she turned to leave. "Um, Sal…!" She turned around, tilting her head slightly.

"Yeah?"

"Just… I'm sorry." I hung my head. "I'm really sorry that I can't talk. It's just…" I grabbed a fistful of my shirt. "It's just… I get a pain right in my chest whenever I try and talk about it. It… it was rough, you know?"

She flopped down next to me again, looking troubled.

"…I guess I won't ask, then." She sighed. "If I knew it'd been this bad for you… Why didn't you tell us, huh?"

"I didn't need you guys worrying about me." I felt my chest lurch as I continued. "I thought if I kept to myself, I'd heal over time. I mean, none of you guys have been this broken up about time-travel. Just me. I feel so pathetic all the time for all of that, but… if you guys knew half the stuff I did back there… you'd be really ashamed of me." I clenched my fists, realising I was shaking.

"I don't want to keep this to myself - honestly, I don't. I'd give anything to share with you guys all of the great things that happened."

"Then tell us," Sal said gently. "You can. I promise." I shook my head, swallowing.

"No, I can't. I really, really, really can't, Sal. You'd be terrified. I became a monster, so I did. I mean, Jay-zus, if you knew how many bodies were lying around… how many of them were people under my control…" I laughed shakily, even though it was killing me not to cry. "You wouldn't be able to handle it." She fidgeted, unsure of what to say.

I knew Sal was younger then she seemed, although she tried hard to keep up with me and Maddy; but still, she was a child at the end of the day. Children couldn't understand what it was like to see bodies lying this way and that, even though she'd been rescued from a fire, so she probably saw plenty of charred people littering the floor. It was different to what I was going through, though - I was holding a sword as I stepped around those bodies. It was my responsibility. Their lives had been taken by none other then me.

"But, Liam… None of it was your, your fault or anything-"

"I killed a man." She tensed up, eyes impossibly wide with shock. I waited for her to say something, but she didn't. Some may say she was petrified.

Blood was rushing around in my ears, my heart thudding louder and louder with each passing second.

_Oh, crud, what have I done?_

My mouth was dry as I waited, my eyes a blurring mess as I tried to blink away tears that kept filling my eyes. Somewhere far away I could feel her reaching closer towards me, but why I couldn't figure out. Was she going to slap me, or shove me away, or grab my shirt and scream at me?

_I've screwed up. I told them. If anything, she's going to hate me for sure now._

Suddenly, I felt her throw her arms around me. I froze, wide-eyed and frightened. As the numbness slowly ebbed away, I could feel her trembling, so she was.

"I didn't know…" Her voice sounded thick. Was she… crying? "I… Oh my god, Liam… I didn't know that… that you'd been carrying that burden on your back for so long…" I shook my head, confused.

"Why are you… Why are you being so… Calm? Why aren't you mad at me?" I let out a huge gasping sob as my eyes couldn't contain my tears anymore, and I began to cry. "I killed a man. I killed him and stared into his eyes, and I saw his shock. How can you not hate me?" My breathing became shallow; my mind blurring and swirling around so fast I could barely keep up with it. "I'm a murderer, a bleedin' murderer! I'm sorry, Sal, I really am, if I knew it would hurt so much I would've let him get me, I'm so, so, so sorry-!"

"Liam, calm down!" She pulled away from me. "You're freaking out, Liam! You're having a panic attack!" I watched her, confused, as she rested her hands on my shoulder.

"Sal…" I groaned, lowering my head. "I'm so, so sorry…"

"Don't say that," she snapped. "It's not your fault!" She sighed deeply and tilted her head back, looking drained. "…Liam… If you didn't kill that man… he would've killed you. I mean - I know I wasn't there, so I can't even begin to imagine what that was like. But…" She hesitated. "But… I know that your heart's too good to kill an innocent person." I wiped my eyes, breathing heavily.

"Y-You don't… You don't… hate me?" I shook my head, disbelieving. "That's impossible. I mean, I… I killed a man! You shouldn't be so understanding!" I clenched my fists. "You're making it sound like it's okay that I drew my sword before him! But it wasn't." I rested my head on my knees. "Sal… I'm such a bleedin' mess…"

"You're not," she said firmly. "You're not a mess. You're a human being." I sighed, feeling stuffy and sore-eyed.

"A bit of a failure human being…" I slumped forward, hugging my knees. "…I'm sorry, Sal. Really, I am. You must've been so scared. I mean… I know I'm dim, and weak, but… But that was still no excuse to kick up a fuss like that." My mouth stretched into a grim line. "I'm sorry that I put you through that." She frowned, still uncertain.

"But, Liam… One day, you will tell me and Maddy everything that happened back in 1194… Right?" I nodded, smiling wearily.

"Yes, Sal… One day, I will. Just not now. When I'm better. I know that I sound really lame, but… well, I think I'm broken at the moment. I don't know when I'll be fixed, to be honest with you… But when I am, I'll tell you guys everything, so I will."

She smiled softly and squeezed my hand.

"Promise?" I nodded and returned her smile.

"I promise."

**[ Broken Man / END ]**

**A/N: Yaahhhh, I'm tired. =A= Okay, so this wasn't intended as a pairing, but if you want to I guess you can imply it as you want. Well, I hope I did this series justice. And hopefully I'll be uploading more fics once I've read the rest of the series? :3**


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